It has been two years since my previous concussion post, and I should give an update. Why you ask? It's not (only) because of narcissism but because I actually received emails from readers of my blog asking me whether I got better.
The thing is, bad concussions, especially the ones coming with post concussion syndrome, are extremely tough on one's mental health. Since doctors can't give us, headbangers, a silver bullet solution to our predicament, we inevitably scour the Internet for information. Most importantly though, it is not the information we are all looking for. It's hope. I know I was.
It's important to update to story and tell people the good and the bad, because things do get better and there is always hope.
The neurologist
In July 2022, since I was no where near getting better, I visited a neurologist and had an MRI scan done. The MRI apparently showed that I had a small gliotic focus, a physical manifestation of banging up one's brain. According to the Internet it's akin to something like scar tissue, but in your brain, with protective, not fully understood function?
I asked the neurologist about it and he told me not to worry, take some rest and a chill pill. I mean, I know rest is important but surely there must be something else I can do, right? Well, he did actually prescribe me something.
The drugs
I was prescribed Piracetam to take twice a day. Again, reading up on the Internet, its mechanism of action is to increase blood flow to the brain and supposedly helps older people in cognitive decline, which, technically, I was. My brain couldn't cope with basic functions such as reading and looking at a screen.
I was worried about taking it for prolonged periods of time, especially given the lengthy list of side effects including but not limited to tremors, anxiety, insomnia, hypersexuality... But then I found reassurance in the most unlikely of places: tech bros.
Piracetam is considered a nootropic drug that Silicone Valley bio hackers take 3-4-5 times a day in order to get that little extra edge over their peers. This is like 300% my prescribed dose and apparently those people are just fine?! God, that place is a dystopian nightmare, but I digress.
The light
I started taking Piracetam and I immediately got the tremors and the jitterness. It feels a bit like having too much coffee, except your heart is not affected. But boy did it help with EVERYTHING. I spent a full day coding. Yeah it was extremely exhausting, much more so than I was used to, but I managed to do work. No crippling dizziness, no noise in my head, just a short spell of... Normalcy.
The darkness
Even one pill was too much for me, in terms of side effects, so I decided I'd be doing only one a day. Even so, the insomnia was horrible. I could not fall asleep at all. Maybe 10-15 minutes here and there and the rest of the night was spent staring at the ceiling contemplating the universe. I read online that the side effects gradually disappear as your body adjusts, and this was true, but also so did the positive effects...
I started playing video games again in August 2022, 5 months after my accident, and I had to stop again in October because my brain wouldn't allow for it anymore. I did watch a few animes, but by October that also became unbearable. I was despairing again about my predicament, feeling like I would never be normal again.
I was definitely getting better, but not as fast or as much as I wanted. There were always good days and bad days. At best I was enjoying a challenging but functional day at work and then collapsing from exhaustion once I came home. At worst, I would be unable to understand what other people were speaking to me, somehow make it to my home and wake up a few hours later completely unable to recognise where I was with no memory of how I got there. I was in my bedroom, in my bed, in my home of 5 years. That shit still haunts me.
The breakthrough
Long haul flights were a bit of a challenge as I couldn't really make use of the in flight entertainment. On one particularly boring flight I noticed a curiosity. I was at an isle seat in the left part of the plane and if I looked on my right I could watch the movies other passengers were enjoying (almost) without any ill effect, but if I looked on my left side, it was very obviously much worse. Also, the further away the screen was from me (2 isles in front of me, even 3) the better. Apparently the damage was on the right side of my brain (actually I have that information from my MRI but didn't connect the dots earlier). I tried covering up my left eye and indeed I felt a momentary relief.
What a remarkable discovery!
Once I got back from my brief stint abroad, I immediately put my monitor on the right side of the desk and moved my computer sitting spot about 2 meters away from my screen. And then! WoW! It just, worked. I was able to spend more and more time on the computer doing more visually intense things.
Over the next few weeks I slowly started to reduce my distance away from the computer in an effort to teach myself how to be normal again. I watched my first movie since the accident (Everything everywhere all at once), sitting sideways on my couch.
I went to the cinema for the first time since the calamity, sat sideways and enjoyed a movie (Dungeons and Dragons). I looked weird, people looked at me, but I didn't care... I WAS AT THE MOVIES AGAIN! I was living again. (Technically, I was living beforehand as well, but... ups and downs, depression and all.)
It's still not over
Right now, I am fully functional. I can't work as much as I did before, but I can do a job and be considered a productive member of society. I still can't enjoy reading though..
Books are really hard for me. My eyes just refuse to do that left-right movement and I have to go about it very slowly. One week I decided to push through the discomfort in order to read the Three body problem and... It was bad. I relapsed completely with brain fog, memory gaps, extreme tiredness and inability to work, inability to even look at a screen.
This episode lasted about a month and I am extremely wary of reading now. I need to slowly introduce it to my delicate brain. It's even worse for learning languages. Reading in a foreign language triggers numbness on the left side of my head even after just a few minutes. I live knowing full well that if I am not careful I will relapse and go back months with my progress.
Last December I decided to go on a carousel to see if I could potentially go to a lunapark. Spoiler alert: I can't. I have vivid memories of that night lying on my bed and wondering when the ceiling would stop spinning so I could finally bloody fall asleep...
Disclaimer
Every concussion is individual. This is what worked for me, but it's not necessarily what would work for another person in a similar situation. First, listen to your doctor and to your body. If your body is telling you something is bad for you, don't do it.
But most importantly don't despair! There is hope. Do the things that you can do, and look for new hobbies. It's not about getting back to 100% your old self right away. It's about enjoying life to the best of your ability one day and one activity at a time.
And finally, talk to your friends and the people who love you. This was certainly the darkest time in my life (so far) and I wouldn't be able to make it without them! Thank you everyone!
